@stephenjmolloy

[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*

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@Tbone7219

I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.

@Parkerlawyer

I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.

@NickSwardson

I love when my friends get married and have kids and then judge other people’s lives. It’s like “I saw you both get shit faced and do blow for a decade. Take it down a notch Kristen and Rick.”

@HomeWithPeanut

I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.

@fatherofcomedy

My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.

@coolauntV

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

@Reverend_Scott

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

@_SingleBabyMama

Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”