@KeetPotato

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

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@Underchilde

Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.

@ZackBornstein

I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.

@badbanana

What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?

@AndyAsAdjective

I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court

@Mom_Overboard

Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.

@lisaxy424

[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those

@Dawn_M_

The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.

@kibblesmith

In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.

@TheHyyyype

me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years

her: oh wow. army? navy?

me: olive garden

@ArfMeasures

Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt

1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then

Me: shit