@KeetPotato

[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”

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@crunchenhanced

The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.

@EndhooS

Deer: I have a proposal for you
Rabbit: I’m all ears
Deer: HAHA I get it, cuz of the whole big ears thing
Rabbit: That’s pretty hurtful Jeff

@BruceForce

Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human

@Brampersandon_

I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm

@heatherlarson77

Whenever someone says they did something “like a boss” I assume that means they didn’t do it at all and are taking credit for it.

@Whitnuts

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

@athleisure_monk

PERSON WHO JUST INVENTED WINDOWS: Check it out.

PERSON WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT CURTAINS: I hate it.