[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
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Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
i wish all
whales
a very
big
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
My neighbor told me his son watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth tomorrow?
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
My husband may be winning this argument but little does he know I’m about to bring up something he said 10 years that has absolutely no relevance to what we’re arguing about.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Cop: Sir have you been drinking?
Me: *slowly unbuttons shirt to show underlying Superman t-shirt* It’s me *winks*
Cop: Out of the vehicle.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.