Purse snatching is a great way to make some extra money while getting in some cardio.
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
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I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[show about dog training]
Narrator: a yellow ribbon on her leash indicates she is not to be socialized with
Me: where can i get one of those
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then