[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
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My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
You can take the girl out of the food court, but not this girl. I’m staying.
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*