Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*
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date: did you just eat a fry off the dirty ground?
me: first of all, potatoes grow in the ground.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
My dating profile:
just gave your address to some spiders
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Apparently, some parents are not appreciative of a sweet super supportive air horn during a children’s piano recital.
If you ever get arrested, lighten the mood by pretending to go for his gun.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Baby elephants migrate hundreds of miles to find water. My 6 year old is lying on the floor of the mall because I made him walk from the car
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Tell me I’d look good in a potato sack or lose me forever
Today’s assignment:
Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.