Alexa: *deep breath*
You Might Also Like
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Love this guy
His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already. WebMD: TYPHOID FEVER
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!