Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
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My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
Don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day. I repeat, don’t give her a Fitbit for Mother’s Day.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Me, 5 minutes into the zombie apocalypse: Fresh brains here, come and get your brains!
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
At my funeral I won’t need a coffin. I will be cremated from the neck down and my head will be on a stick. If you want to say anything about me you have to hold my head stick
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
iPhone: I’m gonna update your software tonight while u sleep
*next morning*
iPhone: I couldn’t do it bro. just didn’t feel right. vibe was off
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Wait for it…😂😂😂😂😂
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it