Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope

Elrond: Have you seen their tweets

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“infant so tender and mild” suggests the existence of a spicy baby


For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.

Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.


“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.


Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)


ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!

BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.


This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths


Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca


goals for 2016:

1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion