A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
Gandalf: It is in men that we must place our hope
Elrond: Have you seen their tweets
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“infant so tender and mild” suggests the existence of a spicy baby
For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.
Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.
“Farm to fork”, but it’s just me taking you to a corn maze to bang.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
This bank pen tastes like it’s been in a lot of other people’s mouths
Keeping tic-tacs in your pocket lets people know you’re more embarrassed of your breath than you are of sounding like a human maraca
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion