@nyquills

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

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@abbycohenwl

[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-

@AnniemuMary

Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.

@SondraDeeMe

Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.

– things my BF and Uber driver say to me

@donofalltrades1

If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.

*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger

@shkeeber

Me: Whatcha making?

Mom: Dill bread.

Me: So, do you have yeast on your dill dough?

Mom: Get out.

@TrainedHedonist

We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.

@ArfMeasures

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:12:”Token_Geezer”;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3027621075/6952da524b60c2026e77808954df8b7a_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”325495987982450688″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”53″;s:5:”tweet”;s:38:”The morning after pill, but for tweets”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@cat_beltane

“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”