Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
You Might Also Like
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
I forgot the word boiling and just called it angry water, i have no idea how i graduated college
Not even remotely sorry.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
If all your friends jumped off a bridge would you follow them?
Machine learning algorithm: yes.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
If Edgar Allen Poe didn’t have a cat named Poepurry, then I question him as a writer.
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Honestly, ladies, pockets aren’t all that they’re hyped up to be.
*finding the car key fob in three pieces in the dryer
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you