Gandhi would go on fasts for weeks and remain peaceful. I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
You Might Also Like
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
LOL SO my hospital made us sign in via a virtual survey for our orientation day and they had a question “what is your ‘why’ you’re a healthcare worker” and I put “paycheck” and I DIDNT KNOW THEY WOULD LATER PUT ALL OUR ANSWERS ON THE POWERPOINT
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
What if all your muscles can taste but your tongue is the only one you usually put food on
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
*I sit bolt upright in bed, drenched in sweat*
HER: Did you have the zombie nightmare again?
ME: (thinking about the time everybody sang ‘happy birthday’ to me and I accidentally joined in) Yes
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.