gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

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Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight


How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”


if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down


Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.


Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*


I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.


My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.


Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.