@seamussaid

gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere

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@briangaar

Son, let me tell you the story of the Three Bears. A girl broke into their house and they ate her. Stay out of my stuff, goodnight

@LeonHWolf

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

@jonnysun

if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down

@Northside_Mike

Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.

@abbycohenwl

Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*

@eeethanford

I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.

@BunAndLeggings

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

@poutinesmoothie

Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.