All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.
*baby hedgehog peaks out*
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
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“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?
DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
Saw an Italian nativity scene:
• 47 wise guys
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING