@SvnSxty

Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?

Me: *holding milkshakes* what

You Might Also Like

@pinupteacher

All I’m saying is God wouldn’t have given me this wild hair if he didn’t want me to store stuff in it.

*baby hedgehog peaks out*

@Izianikapani

“Just dashing to the shops”

Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]

Man [grabs car keys]

@TheIntComShow

What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?

@blade_funner

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

@BoomBoomBetty

The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.

@Reverend_Scott

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

@PaperWash

if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito

@clichedout

Saw an Italian nativity scene:

• Mary
• Joseph
• Shepherds
• Donkeys
• Sheep
• 47 wise guys

@KimmyMonte

[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks

@BigHern

Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING