Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
You Might Also Like
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
When you msg me @ 9:30am w/ just “Morning,” don’t be shocked when I wait till 12:00pm & respond w/ “Noon.”
Seriously, what did ya expect?
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”