@TheHyyyype

GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop

ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?

GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs

ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap

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@david8hughes

Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together

@thatdutchperson

When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.

@mydmac

*breaking up with BF

I’ll never forget you David.

‘My name is Jason’

Goodbye John.

@sixfootcandy

(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?

@RedRegenerated

ME: What’s that on your wrist?

CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.

ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*

CW: That’s just a regular watch.

ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.

@dafloydsta

[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor

@Cpin42

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

@jergarl

The Wizard of Oz is my favorite children’s book that teaches us that it’s ok to steal shoes from someone as long as they’re dead.

@yoyoha

Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁