GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
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[God creating chihuahuas]
“Scare that rat into an identity crisis”
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
-phone call-
Me: I can’t stop eating
Friend: omg me too
M: I eat all the time
F: I’m always eating
M: I’m eating cheese now
F: I love cheese
Me: I want cereal
F: yes!
M: and cake
F: or a donut
M: yup
F:
M:
F:
M: anyway good to catch up
F: so good
M: take care
F: bye
Just going to bring my sleeping bag and camp out in the candy aisle at Dollar Tree. Wait. That sounds insane. Like I own a sleeping bag. I’ll just bring my blanket.
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
*kills time while waitimg for train*
oh no with time dead the train will never arrive
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Wife: why?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
The second world war should have been called world war returns
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.