gang leader: “this isnt what i meant when i said go rob the store”
me: [putting 19 cartons of milk in fridge] “you should be more specific”

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If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.


Problem: I hate peeing alone, sleeping, & nobody talks to me about random nonsense

Solution: kids


When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.


[Bear attack]

Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.

Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!


I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.


I was watching tv with my mom & she was amazed a blind guy didn’t care his son was missing & I was like outta sight outta mind am I right


I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.


God: you’re a centipede.

Centipede: what does that mean?

God: you have 10 legs.

Centipede: that’s not enough legs.

God: how many do you want?

Centipede: 100 LEGS : )

God: ok but don’t tell Snake.

Snake: don’t tell me what?



Snake: guys don’t tell me what?


Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me: