2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
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#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
“You scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours.”
Me: Are you sure you passed dermatology school?
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?
TYLER: Shaving cream.
MARK: Shaving cream.
ME: Pay off his student loans.
[they all look at me]
ME: I mean shave him.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
The ocean is full of sharks, jellyfish, man-eating octopus, and nightmare whales, but make sure you wait a half-hour after eating to go in.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.