My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
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at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
European out-of-offices: “I’m away camping for the summer. Email again in September”
American out-of-offices: “I have left the office for two hours to undergo kidney surgery but you can reach me on my cell anytime”
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
*stirs coffee with knife*
*licks knife*
“Let’s do this”
*wakes kids for school*
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
When your friend wants to do a drive by but none of us can see that good at night anymore.
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining