[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
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WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
These are my roll models.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Rage against the machine? I bet it was a printer.
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
I’m the kind of guy who peeks under bathroom stalls and asks where you go for taxes.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
so, is there a mister shapen head
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.