garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
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Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
technically true but not a great slogan
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
#Caturday
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).