Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
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saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
You have $5 to build your city. Do you build it on:
– swampland $1000
– arable prairie $22000
– beachfront $33500
– rock $2
– roll $3
– rolling meadows $9500
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.