Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
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my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
Golf is my favorite sport for getting your spouse out of the house for hours on end
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
[chef interview]
BOSS: Are you familiar with kitchen jargon
ME: Yeah, that means you’re missing a jar
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?