Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.

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[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY


Him: These candles are so romantic!

Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.


When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow


Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.


I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.


HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?

(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)

ME: Yes.


*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied


A Smart car Zoomed past me

And vanished into a pothole


Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.


Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.

Me: Same! Just waxed!

Him: What?

Me *smirks*: What?