[interrupts history professor] THAT HAPPENED ON MY BIRTHDAY
Garden of Eden pssshht, you’re gonna need cheese and not an apple to tempt me.
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Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
A Smart car Zoomed past me
And vanished into a pothole
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?