@AdamBroud

[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”

@MumInBits

Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework

@AristotlesNZ

You didn’t come here to be insulted? Why? Where do you usually go?

@AndyRuther

If Trump or Hillary really cared about America they never would have agreed to a debate in the middle of a Monday Night Football game.

@TweetPotato314

murderer: run if you want to live

me: *starts sprinting*

murderer: not like toward me tho

@EmergencyQB

How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?

@Home_Halfway

When a barista dies coffee beans are placed on each eye before they float down a frappuccino river to forever misspell the names of the dead

@CAshmanActor

[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?