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TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Mice are just frozen Mwater.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Good morning!
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
got my mind on my money and my money
is nowhere to be found.