Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
You Might Also Like
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[goes back in time]
Me: WOW! I can’t believe I’m seeing a real dinosau–
T-Rex: MOOOOOOOOOO!
Apatosaurus: MOOOOOO!!
Triceratops: MOOOOO!!
Me: So you guys moo
Archaeopteryx: MOOOOOOOO!
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
Canadian owl: Eh?
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
u spoke cat all this time??????
I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Do you think Sarah Sanders’ husband calls her “the colonel” when they eat fried chicken in bed?