Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
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*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera*
“My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?”
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
#Thanos #MondayMood
I got fired from my job as a diesel
fitter in a panties factory.We would hold the panties up,
inspect them and say “Dese’ll fit her”
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
In your selfie, you had rabbit ears and little whiskers. You don’t really have any of those things! Catfish! Just like rainbow tongue girl.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Oh hi lol
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.