GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
You Might Also Like
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.
You’ve trained your whole life for this.
Take the shot.
Kill the moon.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
“What movie?” 🤔
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
[pet store]
Me *looking at snakes*
“CAN I FEED THEM?”
Pet Store Employee [never looks up from his phone] sure.
Me *putting my kids in tank*
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
The Struggle
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.