“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
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Me: It’s just really upsetting that people just assume my dialogue tweets are just jokes and didn’t really happen, you know?
The Pope: Yeah I feel that dude
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it