GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
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I mean…but I did
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Me at age 5 “I wish I had a $1”
Me at age 10 “I wish I had $100”
Me at age 17 “I wish I had $1,000,000”
Me at age 26 “I wish I had $1”
Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
[Running out of gas in the desert]
Me: I guess this is the end. We’ll die of thirst soon.
Co-Worker: This is a Pepsi Truck.
Me: *gazing out over the sand dunes* 3, 4 days tops.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Man: *shaking collection tin* please sir, for alcoholics
Me: *taking the tin* wow, that’sh sho kind, thankshh!
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?
ME: have you restarted your computer?
MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
Thanks to Twitter, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?