@isabelzawtun

Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more

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@mommywhitfield

“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.

@flagmytweets

Ladies time to start dating the older dudes

They can get you in the grocery store earlier

@MNateShyamalan

me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?

uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes

me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately

@XplodingUnicorn

Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.

God: No problem.

Moses: But since you can make anything-

God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.

@KeetPotato

wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”

@SimonMaloy

TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service

@Sassafrantz

The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.

@NolaChef504

I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”