“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
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Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
me: pavlov’s dogs were so dumb lol. drooling cuz you hear a bell? what’re you, hungry for bells?
uber eats: zero delivery fee on taco bell orders over $30 for the next 3 minutes
me: i could really go for precisely 17 crunchwrap supremes immediately
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
TWITTER: something just isn’t clicking here
HORDE OF RACIST EGGS: [cacophony of immoral filth]
TWITTER: eliminate the looping video service
The average person has sex 103 times a year and it’s almost March so that means only 103 more to go.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”