Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
You Might Also Like
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
A thief has removed all the motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently trying to find Leeds.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.