Gas is like $40/full tank

Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse.

You Might Also Like


My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.


{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?


Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.


If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.


Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment


Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.


“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*


Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid


Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands


Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?