@fookmusic

Gas is like $40/full tank

Carrots are like $1/pound

Ya boi is getting a horse.

You Might Also Like

@UnFitz

[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.

@Home_Halfway

{Thomas Edison prank call}

Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*

@CatJacquesESPN

Please don’t assume my dog is friendly because her tail is wagging. She’s just super happy thinking about ripping you to shreds.

@DothTheDoth

If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.

@emilyhughes

Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment

@DaddyJew

Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.

@shadygrenade

“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

@dumbbeezie

Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid

@Book_Krazy

Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them

Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?

Me: Um no, just holding hands

@markleggett

Today I saw a homeless man pick up a brochure for a computer repairer. I guess he’s having computer problems?