You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
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My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
*cop frisking me*
Cop: “theres nothin in your pockets that will poke me, right?”
Uh, no
Cop: “OW!”
*baby porcupine jumps out*
RUN POKEY, RUN
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I keep the peace. As a hoarder, I keep pretty much everything.
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him