Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
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Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
My wife is out of town so I learned how to do laundry who knew clothes didn’t fold themselves?!?
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.
im not pinning my selfies. forage for me like a little rat
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
relationship goals
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
O Wise One….
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!