Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
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Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I don’t think frogs should’ve been one of the ten plagues. I think they’re nice
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Lets all agree,
having your cake and eating it too,
is the same damn thing.
Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype
Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?
Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very