Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
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Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
This classic never gets old . . .
I can’t remember why I walked into this room, but if you need to know the phone number of my best friend from fourth grade, I’m your gal.
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
Cortana, where is the closest Taco Bell?
There’s a Weight Watchers meeting 1 mile away from you.
*Note to self: Never call Siri Cortana*
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
Decided don’t want to have children. Wonder if the wife will accept my decision. Suppose the kids may not be best pleased either.
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.