gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
gas pump:
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope

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Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?


Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart

2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*

Me: not like that


Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?


If Lebron’s so much better than Jordan then explain to me why Bugs Bunny has never once asked for his help in a game. Cant argue with facts.


[first date]

Him: Let’s take the stairs!

Me: I think we should see other people.


I don’t think frogs should’ve been one of the ten plagues. I think they’re nice


If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.


1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*


Lets all agree,

having your cake and eating it too,

is the same damn thing.


Me: Thanks for agreeing to do this session via Skype

Therapist: Right, are you in a safe place?

Me: *from inside my blanket fort* Yes, very