Real men don’t hit you up late at night demanding photos of your naked body. Real men hit their desks with closed fists demanding photos of Spiderman.
gas pump: do you want a receipt? Y/N
me: *presses yes*
me: *pressing harder* YES
gas pump: lol nope
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my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent?
me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one.
narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
me: the candle symbolizes the joy and happiness in your life
me: alright, now blow it out
50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: we should put the light switch on the bottom
OTHER 50% OF LAMP MANUFACTURERS: i hear where you’re coming from and i respect ur opinion but i think it makes more sense to put the switch right by the bulb where it’s hot and u can’t see what ur doing
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
Please show up 15 minutes early to your appointment at 8, so your blood pressure can be elevated from anger when we finally take it at 9.
My local steak house serves nothing but vegetarian bc cows are vegetarian
My daughter loves all the toys she sees in commercials. So of course I have to tell her they don’t exist in real life, just on tv.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*