gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

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Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.


Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower


Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.


Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.


If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head


There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.


*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt


Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.


My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones


*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM