@seamussaid

gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it

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@KiaraJeanine

Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.

@faungirl123

Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower

@mejustbeth

Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.

@ChaseLori

Only people who’ve walked into a sliding glass door can laugh when a bird crashes into a window. Everyone else who does it is a racist.

@Rae_volution

If you tell me you’re “a voracious reader”, I’m basically just picturing a dinosaur in my head

@kv8

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

@killlmefam

*On Ellen*
ELLEN: so i see u tweet about wanting to die
ME: haha yeah sometimes
*Death appears, sneaks up behind me*
ME: omg ellen you didnt

@samalmightysam

Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.

@MelvinofYork

My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones

@Browtweaten

*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*

Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM