HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
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Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.
Send help.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
friend: our baby was a surprise
me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
HER: [she puts her hand down my pants] mm what do we have in here
ME: [sweatin because thats where I keep my chicken mcnugget stash] nothin