[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
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My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Thinking of having kids?
Buy a sofa where the cushions are attached and don’t come off.
You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you fifteen million hours of your life.
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My wife says brushing my teeth when sitting on the toilet is disgusting but honestly this toilet brush is almost brand new
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
2 year old runs naked down the street.
“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”
I run naked down the street.
“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.