What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
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Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My waxer keeps mumbling about finding Big Foot. Probably just means he finds me mysterious, right?
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
WIFE: There are people from the zoo at the front door
ME: *sitting on the couch with my new pet monkey* Do they look upset?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
There’s always that one guy