[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
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I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Started a pot of coffee. Cleaned the coffee maker, poured in fresh water, hit start, and waited for that sweet sweet caffeine laden honey of the gods. I watched in dismay as clear liquid ran into the pot and I realized I didn’t add the beans. Guys. I brewed hot water.
I don’t buy fat-free milk because I don’t want to encourage cows with negative body image issues.
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
Just farted loudly outside my office before checking to see if anyone was nearby. Nobody was. It’s called the #edge, & I am #livin on it
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it’s my fault.
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
she has a smile full of sesame seeds