Gatorade is a drink for both world class athletes and hungover drunks who don’t know how they got home last night. There’s no middle ground. Nobody is drinking Gatorade because their day was fine. You either brought home the state championship or woke up in a state prison.

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if god isn’t real then where did I get this PS5 from hmm? That’s right I stole it from Kevin while he was at church THANKS JESUS


People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]


[me laughing hysterically at a tweet]
Strangers walking by: what is wrong with you
Me: I don’t know


Just one more week until I can finally eat candy out of my socks again…. without looking weird.


Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.


I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.


i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.


They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.


Tried arguing on the internet today.

Wouldn’t recommend it.

0 out of 5 stars.


I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo says she wants to hug me I just wish it wasn’t almost exclusively said when she’s pooping.