[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Anti-Vaxxer: Hey, did you hear the one about the kid with measles?
Vaccinated person: I don’t get it.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.
Doctor: have you been getting enough fiber?
Me: this summer I accidentally ate a fly
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
and now we wait
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
I took the liberty of rearranging my husband’s office this week. The tears streaming down his face are all the thanks I need.
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
[first day working in a restaurant]
me: *writes ‘tip jar’ on a glass*
cat: *reads sign*
me: oh no
If you see this sign, you are not at that four star resort you thought you were staying at.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.