Accidentally taught my dog to play dad instead of play dead and now he won’t stop barking at me when I try to touch the thermostat
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Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
meal prep? you mean putting on a bib?
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
[on knees]
“Oh God… please make this hangover go away.”
[from heavens]
“Due to the Saint Patrick’s Day holiday, we are experiencing abnormally high call volumes. Please hold, and God will answer your prayers in the order in which they were received.”
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
Thinking about writing an online essay titled ‘Fog doesn’t have a specific smell’ to take down the scented candle industrial complex.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
*approaches drive-thru window on a camel*
“Sir, here’s your 17 big macs and a large milkshake.”
May I please have a straw?
*camel collapses*
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Happy thanksgiving
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
My wife was going to make pancakes. Then she wasn’t. Then she was. Then wasn’t. Then was. Now it looks like she’s just waffling.