When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
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Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
Me: I’m going to take a nap.
My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Shampoo for my real friends, real poo for my sham friends.
Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.