Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
You Might Also Like
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
[Gets Pulled Over]
Cop: Have u been drinking?
Me: No osiffer
C: What did u call me?
M: I mean orifice
C: …
M: …office chair?
C: Get out
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:
Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
[First Date]
Him: So many choices. Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure.
Him: BLT, please.
Me: Same.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response