@crocodilethumbs

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

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@SonofConway

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

@EndhooS

Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..

Daughter: wtf dad?

@SaltyCorpse

Me: I’m going to take a nap.

My kids: WE CAN’T FIND ANYTHING AND WE’VE FORGOTTEN HOW TO DO EVERYTHING.

@sixfootcandy

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.

@bluetractor

I hate it when people call me judgemental

Especially people wearing shoes like that

@SvnSxty

I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself

@HammerFist3

Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time

@thelateinnings

i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks

@Freudianscript

Some people drive you to drink. Others towards meds. Then there’s your kids.