Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
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I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
the squirrels are playing dodgeball with acorns again, must be mating season
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Cop – Have you been drinking?
Me – No, just taking my photo with R2D2 here.
Cop – Sir that’s a fire hydrant.
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Word!
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
* 50 pushups *
* 100 situps *
* Runs 3 miles *My exercise program is really going great since I switched to all asterisk actions.
This is my pinned tweet
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*