@sammyrhodes

Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.

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@yonewt

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.

@sixfootcandy

I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.

Freeloader.

@ronnui_

If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants

@Jesssicle

If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.

@murrman5

*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”

@miniwheats2012

The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand

@daddydoubts

Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.

@parttimewinner

Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal

@squirrel74wkgn

[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*

@3sunzzz

15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope