Gave my cat some almond milk and now she teaches hot yoga on Thursday nights.

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Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.


I can’t wait until my dog is old enough to pay his own way.



If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants


If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.


*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”


The scary moment when the person you just watched sneeze in their hand wants to shake your hand


Genie: for your first wish?

Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.

Genie: done, and for your second?

Me: you can go I’m good.


Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal


[at the club]

Her: C’mon, lets dance!

Me: Ugh, ok…one second *zips off cargo pants into shorts*


15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope