@Marlebean

*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*

“What did you wish for?”

“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”

You Might Also Like

@funflaps

ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains

@thatUPSdude

Your potato salad recipe is not a “family secret”, your uncle Ray who cooks meth in his trailer home is a family secret.

@FattMernandez

Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.

@IamEnidColeslaw

“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP

@pittdave13

CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine

@Reverend_Scott

We need a ride home.

“I called a Gruber”

Don’t you mean an Uber?

[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]

@blaha_Who

GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am

Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking

@CalmTomb

Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.