LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
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Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.