“dad mom wont tell me where babies come from”
*dad slams newspaper down*
DAMN THAT WOMAN & HER SECRETS
WHY WONT SHE TELL US
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
If you whisper, “we’re being watched,” you can hug a stranger for as long as you want. My record is 13 days.
I always have a nightlight on when I go to bed in case someone breaks in and wants to see how cute I look when I’m sleeping.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
just gonna leave this here
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Her: You didn’t come to my Halloween party!
Me: Yes I did
Her: No, what were you?
Me: A ninja
Her: I didn’t see you
Me: Like I said “ninja”
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?