@ronradu
@Iaughing
Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”
You Might Also Like
@Iaughing
@ThugRaccoons
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
@TheAndrewNadeau
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
@livelove_lupita
Life with a cat in one tweet
@longwall26
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
@radtoria
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
@GimmieTheHam
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
@withanewname
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
@landonashworth
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
@Tharin_P
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?