@ronradu

Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

You Might Also Like

@Iaughing

Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”

@TheAndrewNadeau

LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.

@longwall26

“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”

@radtoria

Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME

@GimmieTheHam

The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999

@withanewname

<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.

@Tharin_P

Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?