Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
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Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Life with a cat in one tweet
“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?