Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.

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Patrick: “Did you see my underwear?” Mindy: “No.” Patrick: “Do you wanna?”


LADIES, imagine this.

It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.


“Hello, cops? A man in an apron attacked my hair with scissors!”
“LOL sir, that was a barber.”
“He was black.”
“We’re sending a battleship.”


Friend: You’ll find love again.


The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999


<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.


Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?