@shutupmikeginn

Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.

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@TheDairylandDon

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

@Parkerlawyer

I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.

His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”

@RdrJay47

One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.

@simoncholland

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

@Quartzjixler

There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.

@lazerdoov

My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail

@Mike__Lee

Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”

Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”

Cop: …

@QwertyJones3

What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!

WIFE: See what I mean?

JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce

@aPunch2theJunk

HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:

Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.