I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Gave up watching The Punisher. First episode started strong with him immediately punishing a man, but forty minutes later he’d given no further punishments and I cut my losses.
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I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
What kind of underwear do women wear in Japan? JAPANties!
WIFE: See what I mean?
JUDGE: Yes, I’m going to grant this divorce
HAVE SOME FUN WITH YOUR LIFE:
Whisper “You should have killed me when you had the chance” to the person in the bathroom stall next to you.