Gay guys don’t listen to girls talk either, but we do have the good sense to say “I know, right?!” while we wait for our turn to talk.
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Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
ME [8:49PM]: on my way, taking a crab
GF [8:50PM]: u mean a cab
ME [8:52PM]: not exactly. be there in several days
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[doc pulls baby out of mom and immediately slides it under his shirt] oh no NOW I’M PREGNANT haha no [pulls it out] just kidding here you go
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.