Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
Soaking the dishes overnight, or as I like to call it, “not doing the dishes.”
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
These work great until they don’t.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.