Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

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So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.


Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.


ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure


“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…


[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.


My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”


Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.