So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.