My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
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San Francisco has too many rules
If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?
I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house
Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.