Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

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My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!


If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?


I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed


INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys


Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds


Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well


It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house


Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.