@Kendragarden

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

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@djdarrellripley

My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!

@2thestreetz

If you want world peace, your army should be made up of massage therapists. I mean, who could fight while getting a relaxing massage?

@OldsDad

I just threw a snowball at a Smart car and its airbags deployed

@notacroc

INTERVIEWER: what makes you different?
ME: *begins levitating*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
ME: *whispering to my pet chameleons* nice work guys

@ArfMeasures

Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds

@valentinebaby82

Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well

@Sean_Burgundy_

It’s so frustrating when your therapist tells you to go to your happy place then yells at you when you show up at her house

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Twitter comedian: I’m the greatest tweeter alive!
Kanye: Even I don’t want that title.