@Kendragarden

Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?

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@Contwixt

So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.

@Henry_3000

Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.

@RCKruseKontrol

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

@Twitmytweeties

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

@impaulmccoy

[at a boat store]

Salesperson: Can i help you?

Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.

@murrman5

My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”

@LinajkReturns

Before you unleash her inner goddess, try to find out if she’s channeling Aphrodite or Medusa.