Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
19 is making brownies.
Puts brownies in the oven and goes up to his bedroom.Now I have to set the house on fire to teach him a lesson.
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?