[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
*exercises sarcastically*
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Doc : Do you know what blood type you are?
Me : Red?
When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
Based on the amount of animal hair, clinging to your t-shirt, I’m going to pass on your homemade cookies, thank you.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
How about I get 100% off by already being there
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.