doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
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Wife: whats that?
Son: I painted a picture of a cat
Wife: it’s very good
Me: if it was very good you wouldn’t have needed to ask what it was
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
ME: Heyy baby, tonight I wanna take you to Clown Town.
HER: Don’t you mean Pound Town?
ME: *seductively puts on a rainbow wig and nods “no”*
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Watch closely as the husband quietly approaches the calm children, riles them up into a frenzy, then slyly escapes to watch football.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Date a person who doesn’t use drugs so they won’t use yours.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
A smart Halloween costume would be an angel costume because if you died, you could just sneak your way into heaven & be like “I’m back yall”
my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.
My neighbor’s car alarm has apparently never heard the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.