Our boss just banned overly specific nicknames and the whole office is staring at Rat Snitch Brian The Good Time Ruiner.
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me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”