@RiddlingDreams

Gay test: are you gay ?
If you answered yes, then you’re gay.

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@WilliamAder

I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.

@UnFitz

They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.

@rolldiggity

Instructions for having an adventure:
1. Stand outside restaurant.
2. Wait for someone to ask if you’re the valet.
3. Say yes.

@MichaelTrying

It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.

@FunkyFresh_79

Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?

Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!

@AimeeHelene1

I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…

@LeonEarlgrey

I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive

@BruceForce

Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..

*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*

@J_Recommends

My sister read ’50 Shades of Grey’ and relayed some of its explicit content.

I pretended to think those things are shocking, too.

@GianDoh

(wine tasting)

WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!